Dear
by alliew
Summary: AU Letters from Josh to the West Wing crew. First fic ever! Please R & R.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: All characters from The West Wing belong to Wells etc. Just borrowing them for fun.

Notes: Completely AU, written with original cast in mind. Tell me what you think!

Dear West Wing gang,

By the time you read this, I would either be gone or you found it while snooping around my drawers (DONNA!) Gosh, that sounds so cliché, but I can't put it any other way, that's what Sam's for! After you read this, you are going to want to kill me, but hopefully I wouldn't be there for it, well, maybe not, but I don't really have the choice.

So let's get straight to the point, afterall, I am the master politician around here and master politicians don't beat around the bush. While the President was in China, I started feeling a pain on my side and Donna bugged me about it. I just waved it off as the pain that I normally get when I'm tired. You all know very well that I get stiff when I'm tired.

So we got through that hurdle with the President, then I spent the whole weekend sleeping when the President gave an executive order to ban me from coming into work.

Even after sleeping through the weekend, I still felt a dull pain on my side, I thought I would go and talk to my doctor. Yes, despite what you may all think, I'm in fact capable of making an appointment on my own, I'm not THAT bad. Fine, maybe I am, but I did get by for 40 years without Donna. So, I went to my doctor, he ran some tests and I was diagnosed of liver cancer. After further tests, my doctor told me that I was in the advanced stages of cancer. (And yes, I can keep a secret as well.)

He told me that I have 6 months to live and I guess it took me a while to get used to the idea. I needed to come up with a plan, (and just for the record, my plans are GREAT!) meanwhile, I just threw myself into work. Every day, I come close to telling someone but I never managed to pluck up the courage to do so. It wasn't only that I didn't know how to tell you, I also didn't know what effect it would have on the administration. After everything the administration has been through, it does not deserve having a senior white house staffer being diagnosed for cancer steal its limelight in its last few months.

I also didn't want to be treated like an invalid. I just wanted to live my life. I know that if I told any of you, you would have fussed; I know it's all out of love (you know you love me really) but I really needed to finish what I wanted to do. I was born to BE a politician, my life aim was to get a President elected into the White House and I did it, I got him re-elected as well. We got through every scandal possible, I would like to think that I was part of what got us through all these scandals. (Don't laugh, Claudia Jean! I wasn't THAT much of a nightmare!)

Now that we know Santos is going to be the next President and the President is already a lame duck one, I feel that I have done my job and my deed here is done. It is therefore time to leave, I am sorry I have to leave you all and say goodbye to you this way, trust me when I tell you it wasn't what I wanted, but I didn't want you to think of me any different, I want you to remember me as the man I was, not the man I am becoming.

So I have babbled enough. (You would never think you'd hear me say that, huh?) I have left D.C. (I never thought I would do that either, but things change, I guess.) I have made arrangements for where I'm going to stay and I promise you I love it there so don't worry about me. I have all the legal side of things sorted out (Sorry Sam buddy, but I couldn't do it.) I've left an individual letter for each one of you and one for my mum as well. Please don't send her this, just send her the letter I wrote her and tell her I'm sorry but in order to leave, I had to do it this way. If you ever really really need me, which I doubt you will since I'm no use to you any more, one of you will always know where to find me.

It is only sooner or later that we all leave each other. I'm sorry I'm not going to be at the inaugural balls. Please send me pictures of it, I want to remember you all looking beautiful. It's always fun to laugh at Donna's gomers as well.

Someday, we'll meet again . For now, I'll be happy with all the memories we've shared, through the good times and the bad. You've been my family for the past 9 years and those years were undoubtedly the best years of my life. Admittedly, there have been bad times, very bad times, but I would NEVER trade those days for anything.

Thank you for making the bad times more bearable and the good times sweeter. I love you all and I'm sorry for leaving you so soon and deserting you in the final days of the peak of our careers but I hope you will understand.

With this, I leave you with a heavy heart but I know that it is all for the best. I'm sorry and I love you all.

Yours always,

Josh


	2. Sam

Disclaimer: See Chapter. 1

Note: I have taken some liberties as to how Josh and Sam met, so bear with me. (I guess I'm allowed since this is an AU fic.) Sorry it's taken so long to update, I didn't have access to for ages.

Dear Sam,

As I sit here, writing the most difficult set of prose I have ever written in my life (yes, including Bill drafting); all I want is to be able to come to you for help for you are DA man for words. I can express myself politically and get any politician to listen to me but we all know that when it comes to personal feelings, I'm absolutely hopeless.

You may be asking why in that case I didn't tell you earlier. Trust me, there have been times when I wanted nothing more than to just spit everything out and pretend that it will all be okay but I simply could not be so selfish and dump this on the administration. You may think me silly or stupid but I hope you will understand.

Just before I leave, I feel that I have one confession to make: what I was a junior staffer and you an intern, I was sceptical about sharing a flat with a young, good-looking, Princeton graduate (yes, you read right, I just acknowledged that you are good-looking. Don't you DARE tell CJ or Toby and certainly NOT Donna, I have a reputation to keep, you know.) but it was one of the best decisions I have made in my life (and believe me, I have made a good many excellent decisions in my lifetime.).

Buddy, you are my best friend and the brother I never had, I'm sorry I will never head any of your campaigns, I'm sorry I'll never see you standing on the steps of the Capitol at inauguration and I'm sorry I'll never be your CoS (assuming you want me that is.) but most of all, I'm sorry I wouldn't be there to be cool Uncle Josh to your kids and tell them that their daddy was the recording secretary of the Gilbert and Sullivan Society at college and spent an entire day figuring out why we need pennies.

However, these things can't be helped, fate always has ways of messing up my life and this time it is no different, I don't even know why I am surprised anymore. At least I will leave knowing that despite all the problems we have faced and all the mistakes we've made, we have done some good in the past 8 years and your children will benefit from that.

Thank you for all the help and support you have given me in the past but I'm afraid I have one last favour to ask from you and I hope that you will agree: please look after my mother for me? I know that I don't have to worry about her financially but she has no one left and she's always liked you and treated you like her son. At least it'll give her someone to pester and brag about at the community centre with her friends.

I'm sorry I had to say goodbye this way but I wouldn't have been able to do it any other way. Good luck Sam. Don't EVER lose your idealism. Just remember that anything, no matter how small, as long as it is right, is worth fighting for.

All my love,

Josh


	3. CJ

Disclaimer: See first chapter

Note: Here is Josh's letter for CJ. I don't think I did this one very well but I don't know how to make it better. So I decided to just post it anyway and see what you all think. Any comments on how to improve this is most welcomed.

To Caia: Thank you for reading this from when I first posted it and taking the interest to read the 2nd chapter after so long. And yes, he will write to Donna but I haven't found the heart to write it yet.

To Miss Jasadin: I was just going to do the letters. I don't think all of them would go after Josh (I was hoping that Donna will though…) but it would be interesting to write about all their reactions afterwards, having read the letters. I was thinking maybe I could ask someone else to write that. I don't know. I guess I need to finish all the letters first.

Anyways, on with the letter. I'm sorry if it's not that great. I'm thinking of doing Toby next, so hopefully that'll be slightly better.

My dear Claudia-Jean,

I know that starting from the first campaign, well, ever since Sam "accidentally slept with a prostitute", you've drummed it into all of us that you were our "first call" whenever we think we might be in the slightest bit of trouble. Well, I can assure you that I have for once taken your advice to heart and that you were my first call on this matter. (well it wasn't really much of a call as it was a letter and you weren't really the first person but the first group of people to know about it, but the IMPORTANT point you need to focus on here is that no one else knew before you did)

I also know that by the time you finish reading this, you may have the greatest urge to hunt me down and kill me, but rest assured, I will be dead sometime in the near future anyways, so don't waste your energy, save it for controlling the gaggle.

All joking aside, I am sorry I didn't tell you about this earlier, maybe you should have known sooner so you could prepare for it but I didn't want to spoil your last few weeks on the podium, I also didn't want to put you in the difficult situation of having to keep a secret from the rest of the staff for me.

Trust me, I have kept this really secret, it's going to take the press (even Danny) quite a while to find out about it, hopefully by that time it wouldn't be your problem anymore. My doctor is not allowed to talk about it and I rented the house I am going to stay at through a company that I established several months ago. And yes, I reiterate, I CAN actually make PLANS without Donna. You know, despite what you may think, I am actually one of the best, if not THE best strategist in the country. The Leader of the Free World employed me as his chief strategist for nearly 8 years. I think that paired with the fact that I am a Fulbright Scholar makes me just about clever enough, to come up with a plan to buy a house without anyone noticing. (No, don't you even TRY to rebut me by saying that I missed the Dean's List twice in a row! I was just giving other people a chance so they didn't feel so bad.)

CJ, ever since I have known you, you have always reminded me of my sister, Joanie. From what little I remember of her, she always used to put me in my place when I went too far, took care of me and made sure I didn't embarrass myself in front of everyone. In the past 8 years or so, it was like I had a sister to look up to again. You allowed to me to see what it would have been like if Joanie hadn't been killed. (Except that I think Joanie would have been much better at sizes than you were with those pyjamas that you got me) You have saved me from every political disaster I have had throughout our time in office (and even I know that's an awful lot!) without expecting any reward. If you hadn't been there, I don't think I would ever have lasted 8 years in this administration. So, thank you CJ for making it possible for me to do what I have been working towards all my life.

Just before I leave, I have one final favour to ask you. Out of the goodness of your heart and the spirit of the Sisterhood, would you look out for Donna for me? We all know that she was part of us, despite the fact that she was only my assistant. (well her title said she was ONLY my assistant, but I'm sure you know as well as I that she did a lot more than that.) I've asked Toby to do the same but I'm sure there are things that Donna wouldn't go to Toby about and would find you a much better listener instead. (Don't you DARE tell Toby I said that!)

Thank you so much for everything, CJ. Have fun at the Inaugural Balls and if our man Samuel ever becomes President, please don't let him be TOO stupid. The best of luck with anything you may decide to do in the future.

With love always,

Josh


	4. Toby

Disclaimer: See first chapter

Note: I have once again taken some liberties with how Donna dealt with Rosslyn but there we are. On with the story. Also a big thank you to everyone who's been reading, hope to get onto the meaty stuff soon (i.e. Donna's letter).

Dear Toby,

You are the only one out of all of us except for Leo who was part of the original Bartlet for America Campaign, so I guess you were the first person I got to know at the Campaign, except for the President of course, but then I didn't really know him know him. (I have known Leo since forever, as long as I could remember, so he didn't really count.)

Yes, Toby, you can be gruff and cynical but when you treat someone as a friend, there is nothing you will not do to ensure his/her safety. From what Donna has said, you helped her a lot during Rosslyn and I never thanked you for that. I wish I was able to thank you in person but since that is not possible, I hope you will accept my thanks on paper.

Now that I have thanked you, I am afraid I need to ask you for two more favours. The first one I am sure everyone will do anyway just because everyone has always preferred her to me, but please look out for Donna for me? She's a very intelligent woman and I am sure she will go on to do great things, with or without anyone's help but if there is anything you can do to help her along a bit, please help her out, for me?

As I mentioned in the group letter, I will give one person my address and this person will also be notified first when I die. I hope it is okay that this person will be you (it's an honour Toby, really.). It's just that you are the safest person to keep it with. Sam can't keep a secret to save his life, Mrs. Bartlet will wrangle everything out of the President, my mother can wrangle everything out of Leo. Let's not even think about CJ or Donna. Please don't give them my address unless it's absolutely necessary, if they have anything they want to say to me, could you get them to write it down and could you then send them on to me? (Inauguration photos would be very nice! Especially ones where people are making a fool out of themselves or if CJ's doing "The Jackal". One of all of you guys dressed would be great as well, if that's not asking too much.)

I have arranged to rent a cabin by the sea in Maine, everything has been arranged, there will be someone there to cook and clean for me (I figured that I would be drinking beer and nothing but beer all day if no one cooked for me.) The address is The Cabin (original, huh?), Seaview Road, Maine, MN 4985.

When I die, besides you, my lawyer will be notified as well, my lawyer also has your number, so he will probably be in contact with you to talk about my will and all the other arrangements. I am sorry to put such a burden on you but I couldn't think of anyone better. Toby, you have been a great friend, despite what you appear to be like, you are a very caring person and I am honoured to have been your friend.

Good luck with the twins, Toby! We have done good in the past 8 years, Huck and Molly will benefit from it.

Love,

Josh.


	5. Leo

Disclaimer: see ch.1

Note: Sorry about the long wait. Hope you enjoy this. Donna's is coming soon, I promise!

Dear Leo,

I have known you for as long as I could remember, from being the Uncle Leo who I looked up to, to Leo McGarry, Chief of Staff to the President of the United States who has been my boss and whom I have worked alongside for the past 8 years of my life.

The past 8 years have not been easy, they might even have been the hardest years of my life but I still want to thank you Leo for persuading me to go to Nashua that day on the Hill. If it weren't for you, I would never have found the "real thing". That simple fact, the fact that I'm working for the "Real Thing" and making the world a better place has made every obstacle I've come across (and that's a great many) worth it. (Okay, maybe not worth it, but just about bearable.)

I know that I haven't made your job easy in the past few years and I thank you for giving me another chance every time I have screwed up in the past. I am really sorry about everything that I have screwed up on, especially "The Secret Plan to Fight Inflation" (you have to admit that was funny though) and of course, our dear friend, Mary Marsh (okay, so I'm not sorry about that one, that woman deserved it! She was completely out of order! I will admit, however, voicing my opinions like that on Capital Beat might NOT have been the best idea in the world but we all know I'm not good with these things.)

I'm sorry to say that I have one last favour to ask you and then I promise I will leave you alone. You have known my mother longer than anyone else in this family and she has always liked you. Now that I have gone, Mamme will have no more family, would you keep a look out for her? Maybe stop by her place when you're around there on lecture circuit? I have asked Sam to do the same, simply because she has always treated him like a son but it's just not the same as having an old friend who knew her whole family.

Thank you again, Leo, for every opportunity you have given me. You granted me my greatest wish of working for the "Real Thing" at the White House and I am sorry I had to leave before we are officially done, but I hope you understand my reasons for doing so. (Well, actually, I just wanted to escape the transition negotiations, they're just boring and stupid.)

It's been great working with you. I will never forget it. I now understand why my dad respected you so much despite everything.

With love always,

Joshua


	6. Donna

Disclaimer: See Ch.1

Note: Finally, Donna's letter. With this also completes this series, I hope it wasn't too unbearable. Thank you for reading and please tell me what you think. Now, on with the story.

My dearest Donnatella,

I knew writing these letters would be hard and yours especially so, but I had no idea how hard knowing what to say and how to say it can be (even with my 760 verbal) until I started this letter. It's now 4am, I have scrunched up more trees than I care to think about, I have been at my desk trying to write this letter since 10pm and I'm still staring at a blank sheet of paper. (well except for this explanation anyway)

There are things that I need you to know so that I can leave without any regrets and while I know that all I need to do is look at you to convey all my feelings and thoughts to you, I also know that if I ever bared my soul to you in person, I would not be able to bring myself to leave and I simply cannot be so selfish. I also want you to have a momento of me being sweet Josh, so you'll remember me as Josh, my boss who was really sweet rather than arrogant, tyrant Josh. (Yes, I admit that I try and sabotage every single one of your dates and I make you work late just so you don't have a social life. They're gomers anyway, you're just wasting your time with them! You deserve so much more than that, much more, more than any words can ever express.)

Donna, the things you have done for me over all these years have always been above and beyond the job description of an assistant. No words can express my gratitude to you for doing this, you could have quit a very long time ago, you could have moved on to a much better paid job that doesn't have a demanding boss but you chose to stay with me. (Just let me have this one illusion.) I am sorry I never told you enough how much I appreciated your help and enjoyed our camaraderie; especially after Rosslyn when you ran my office (I swear Leo wanted to sack me and promote you to DCoS instead and he would probably have done the right thing.) and anticipated my every need throughout the recovery. You listened to me drone on about theoretical physics and imposed "the rules" (which, much I would hate to admit I loved. I loved that there was someone other than my mother who cared enough to make sure I didn't push myself too hard, too fast and I loved that that person was you.).

The truth is Donnatella, ever since the moment you walked into the New Hampshire office, I knew. For many years, I've been tricking myself, telling myself that I'm your boss and it'll look bad to the administration; but the fact of the matter is that I've done enough things that have embarrassed the administration to know that it will survive. I was simply a coward, I was scared that you don't feel the same way. Even if you did, I was scared that I would ruin what we have with my stupidity and insensitivity. (I actually KNOW that I am completely incapable of understanding women.) I didn't want to lose the best friend I have ever had; I was selfish in a way, I wasn't prepared to gamble everything I have with you for a chance to sleep with you. I also knew that once I let myself fall, I would never be able to pull myself out again. Actually, who am I kidding? I fell for you a very long time ago, I am never going to be able to climb back up again and I don't ever want to.

Donnatella, I love you. I always have done and always will. I am sorry I never got to say that to you in person. I am sorry I never took the chance and told you how I felt all those years when we worked together.

However, what is done is done, there is nothing more I can do to change the situation. I know that telling you this is very selfish of me and it is placing a very heavy burden on you, but I had to tell you how I felt. I am not expecting any reply on your part, for all I know, you could burn this letter as soon as you finish reading it, or you may not even have read it in the first place. I just needed to write it down on paper and let you know that this is how I feel. Having told you this, I now feel ready to leave.

The best of luck with everything you may decide to embark on in the future, whatever they may be, you will always have my support. I have no doubt that you will go on a do great things. (After all, you learnt from the best.) Whoever you choose to work for/ pursue a relationship with will be very luck people.

DC can make you lose sight of who and what's important. I realised that too late and I have now missed my chance. Don't repeat my mistake, if there is something you think is right/ someone you love, don't hesitate, do all you can to achieve it. It'll always be worth it in the end.

With love, now and always,

Joshua


End file.
